


The Heart-Shaped Biscuit

by Grey_wonderer



Category: Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-17
Updated: 2012-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:13:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_wonderer/pseuds/Grey_wonderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts with a tray of heart-shaped biscuits and after that, things get a bit more complicated.  This is pre-Quest and takes place in the Shire at Bag End.  Thank you for reading.    GW</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart-Shaped Biscuit

**Author's Note:**

> These are not my characters. They are the creations of JRR Tolkien and I am using them in this story because I am far too lazy to create characters of my own. I am not making any money on this and it was only written for amusement. Only the biscuits are original. GW

 

 

                                                         **The Heart-Shaped Biscuits**

 

“Why have you dragged me into the parlour?” Merry demanded, glaring at his younger cousin.  
  
“Look, Merry,” Pippin chirped.  “Biscuits shaped like hearts.”  He pointed to a tray in the centre of the table.  
  
“I don’t care what they’re shaped like.  They’re biscuits and they’re still warm.” Merry grinned, forgetting to be annoyed, and picking  up one of the small, heart-shaped confections.  He took a generous bite of it.  “And they’re tasty.”  
  
Seeing that someone else had officially taken one of the biscuits first, Pippin reached for them and took six.  He put five into his pocket and then began to eat the sixth one.  “Who do you suppose made these, Merry?” he asked between bites.  It was always good to know who you might have to deal with later if things went sour.  
  
“No idea,” Merry said, finishing the biscuit and taking two more.  “Whoever it was, they certainly can bake!  These may be my new favourite biscuits.”  
  
“What was your old favourite?” Pippin asked curiously as he reached over and took another biscuit.  
  
“Those little walnut ones with the frosting that your mum made last week,” Merry said.  “Those were my favourite until these turned up.”  
  
Pippin nodded knowingly and took another of the warm, heart-shaped confections.  “Those were good.  My favourite biscuit is always the biscuit that I’m eating at the time.”  
  
Merry grinned around a mouthful and said, “That’s sensible.  Give your full attention to the biscuits at hand and worry about future biscuits later.”  
  
“Aren’t you glad I made you come into the parlour even though you were busy putting those bugs into Uncle Bilbo’s desk drawer?” Pippin asked.  
  
“Don’t talk abut that,” Merry hissed.  “It’s a surprise and if you go nattering on about it, then it won’t be.”  
  
Pippin wrinkled up his nose and frowned.  “I don’t think it will be a very good surprise, Merry.  Most folks just don’t like bugs that much.  Every time I find an interesting bug and I try to get one of my sisters to look at it, they yell at me or scream or something.  One time, I found this really big cockroach and when I showed it to Nell, she screamed and squashed it dead with a book.  Poor thing.  It wasn’t hurting anyone.  It made me sad that I had showed it to Nell because then I felt like I had kinda helped kill it, you know?”  
  
“This isn’t like that, Pip,” Merry grinned.  “The bugs I put into Bilbo’s desk aren’t really bugs that I like or anything.  If he squishes them, it won’t matter.”  
  
“It will matter to the bugs, Merry,” Pippin pointed out taking another biscuit.  “Why did you put them in there?”  
  
“It’s an experiment,” Merry said.    
  
“It is?” Pippin still didn’t appear to get it.  
  
“Of course it is,” Merry said taking another biscuit.  “Frodo is always saying that when Bilbo is working at his writing desk he doesn’t ever notice anything.  I want to see if Frodo is right.  I put the bugs in the drawer to see if Bilbo finds them or if he just goes on writing and never notices them.”  
  
“What if he doesn’t need anything from that drawer?” Pippin asked.  “Those bugs could be in there for ages and ages and get bored and maybe starve to death.”  
  
Merry shrugged.  “If it takes him a while to find the bugs, then it will be even better.  I’ll have gone home and so no one will think it was me, but the experiment will have still happened.  Frodo says that Bilbo wouldn‘t notice an Oliphant if it came into the room and bit him on the bum.”  Merry finished his biscuit while Pippin giggled about the Oliphant.  Then Merry took a biscuit from the tray for himself and took another, which he handed to Pippin.  
  
“Thank you, Merry,” Pippin smiled, accepting the offered biscuit.  Pippin was a very well-mannered six-year-old.  
  
“Let’s go check on my bugs,” Merry said.  “The biscuits are almost gone and we really should leave a few for whoever baked them.  We don’t want to be rude.”  
  
Pippin nodded.  “Is three biscuits a few, Merry?”  
  
“Only one, that’s almost none, more than two, that’s a few,” Merry recited.    
  
“That was like a poem,” Pippin said, very impressed.  “When I’m fourteen, I’m going to write poems like that one.”  
  
“It’s just a rhyme that I learned when I was very small,” Merry shrugged.  “Why would you want to learn to write poems?”  
  
“So when I find a lass I like, I can impress her with my rhymingness,” Pippin said.  
  
Merry snorted causing a few biscuit crumbs to come out of his nose.  “Rhymingness isn’t a word, Pip.”  
  
“Oh, well, it should be.  It’s a good word.  It means the rhymingness of the poems that I will be making up when I’m old.  Is there a word for that already other than rhymingness?”  
  
“Yes, the word *unlikely* springs to mind,” Merry smiled.  
  
“So I will surprise my lass with the unlikely of my poems?”  
  
“Yes, I suspect that you will,” Merry said as they entered Bilbo’s study.  
  
  
*****  
  
“The tray was full not ten minutes ago,” Daisy frowned.  “I baked them and brought them straight in here from the kitchen.  They were still warm.”  
  
Sam frowned.  “Well, it looks to me like someone made off with most of them.  There’s just these few left.”  
  
“I wanted them as a surprise for Mr. Frodo,” Daisy sighed.  “I thought he might like them.  He was reading those love poems that he wrote the other night and so I thought maybe there might be a special lass he’d like to give some biscuits to.”  
  
“Mr. Frodo was reading love poems?  Who was he reading’ them to?” Sam asked interested.  
  
“Just out loud here in the parlour all by himself,” Daisy said, lowering her voice.  “I think he was trying them out to see how they sounded before he said them to his lass.”  
  
“Mr. Frodo has a lass?” Sam looked even more interested.  
  
“Must have or he’d not be tryin’ out love poems in his parlour,” Daisy said.  “But now, I guess he’ll have to do his courting’ without any biscuits.  I hope his lass likes the poem he picked out.”  
  
“You’re a lass,” Sam said.  “Did you like it?”  
  
“No, that’s why I made the biscuits,” Daisy confessed.  “The more of the poem he rattled off, the more confusing it got.  It was long and dull and all about some maiden named something I couldn’t pronounce and it didn’t end well.”  
  
“Oh?” Sam frowned eyeing the biscuits.  
  
“No, she goes off into the sky or something and leaves her lover all on his own.  Imagine a poem about going off into the sky.  It was so silly, Sammy,” Daisy said.  “If you ever go courting you have to remember that lasses don’t need fancy poems that don’t make sense.”  
  
“What do they need?” Sam asked curious.  He’d often wondered exactly what lasses needed.  
  
“They need romance, but it has to be sensible romance,” Daisy said firmly.  “Romance they can understand that doesn’t make them feel stupid.  They have to know what you mean or they won’t know it’s romance at all.  Take these biscuits for example.”  
  
It was on the tip of Sam’s tongue to say that someone had already taken them but he thought better of it and just listened.  Sometimes statin what was obvious could get a lad into trouble.  
  
“These biscuits say love and there’s no denying it,” Daisy smiled.  “They are shaped like little hearts, they’re sweet and you don’t have to ask yourself what they mean.  They’re love.”  
  
Sam looked at the biscuits and nodded.  That made sense.  He loved biscuits and these looked like proper gifts.  He could imagine a lass going all gooey-eyed if he gave them to her.  Daisy knew things.  Important things about life.  He reminded himself to listen to her more closely from here on in.  
  
“Maybe I have enough to make a few more,” Daisy said.  “Three just won’t do.  It’s a nice offering but it won’t be as grand as it needs to be to make Mr. Frodo’s lass forget the dreadful poem and just think on him liking her.”  Daisy turned and hurried out of the parlour.  
  
Sam eyed the biscuits for a minute longer and then wrapped them in one of the napkins on the table and slipped them into his pocket.  Maybe they weren’t enough to do for romance but they were enough for a snack out in the garden later after the hard work of turnin the soil for the spring planting.  
  
*****  
A few hours later Sam came upon Mr. Frodo who was looking down at the floor intently and walking through the smial.  Sam joined him, walking quietly at his side.  
  
Sam hadn’t asked but Frodo felt the need to explain.  “I’m following the crumbs.  See them.  They make a path of sorts.”  
  
Sam looked closely and then he saw them.  “They do,” he agreed.  “Where do you suppose they go, Mr. Frodo?”  
  
“I don’t know, Sam,” Frodo said.  “I don’t know, but I intend to find out.  I suspect it has something to do with Pippin, and so it’s best to know exactly what.”  
  
Sam nodded.  “That’s sure enough.  That little one can make a mess out of nothing at all.”  
  
“Exactly,” Frodo said.  “I need to find out what he’s done this time and correct it before he upsets Bilbo.  Bilbo enjoys company but now and again I think Pippin’s visits are a bit lively for him.  Pippin’s been here a week now and we still have a full week of his visit left.  If I can avoid a disaster this early, then that will be good.”  
  
They followed the crumbs into Bilbo’s study and they were so intent upon them that they didn’t notice Bilbo staring into one of his desk drawers until he spoke, “What are you two about?”  
  
“Bilbo,” Frodo said stopping just short of running into him.  He and Sam stood there looking at Bilbo and waiting.  It was obvious that Bilbo meant to say something.  
  
“Have you lads seen this?” he asked pulling the desk drawer open further and pointing into it.  
  
Sam and Frodo moved over and looked into the drawer.  There were a great many ants swarming over something lying in the drawer on top of various papers and ink bottles and quills.  
  
“Ants!” Frodo frowned.    
  
“Lots o them,” Sam agreed.  
  
“What are they doing in your desk?” Frodo asked.  
  
“They seem to be picnicking upon a biscuit,” Bilbo sighed.  “I don’t remember leaving any biscuits in my desk but I suppose I might have.  Still, it’s quite distressing all the same.  Ants are very difficult to get rid of once they locate a food source.  They’re clever little devils.”  
  
“That’s one o Daisy’s biscuits,” Sam said recognising the heart-shape.  She was wonderin where they got to.”  
  
“So the biscuit belongs to your sister, Samwise?” Bilbo asked curiously.  
  
“Well, she made ‘em for Mr. Frodo but then they up and disappeared from the parlour where she left them,” Sam said.  “It was to help Mr. Frodo with the lass that he’s wooing.”  
  
“What lass?” Bilbo and Frodo both asked at the same time.  
  
“Well, I don’t know that,” Sam said grinning.  “Daisy just said there was one and she knows all about courting and the like.  It’s why she made them biscuits.  They was to help Mr. Frodo win his lass on account of she was a mite worried about that love poem, don’t you see?”  
  
“No, I don’t see,” Frodo frowned.  “What love poem?”  
  
“I’d rather know the name of this mysterious lass,” Bilbo grinned.  
  
Frodo blushed.  “There isn’t one. What love poem, Sam?”  
  
“The one Daisy heard you reciting in the parlour the other day,” Sam said.  “She was worried that your lass might not understand it and so she made the biscuits so your lass would know that you was tryin to woo her and so she’d get the idea right off.  It’s a might hard to see with them ants and all, but the biscuit is shaped like a heart.”  
  
“So it is,” Bilbo grinned.  
  
“What are you doing?” Pippin asked walking over and peering into the drawer.  He grinned.  “The spearmint worked!  You found them!  And they found more of each other too.  That’s way more bugs than Merry put in here.”  
  
Bilbo frowned.  “Merry put bugs into my desk drawer?”  
  
Pippin nodded.  “It was Frodo that gave him the idea, but Merry put the bugs in there and it worked!  Frodo was wrong.  This proves it.”  Pippin was grinning and looking entirely too pleased considering.  “Just look at them in there!  They love that biscuit!”  
  
“Did Merry also provide the bugs with that biscuit?” Bilbo asked.  
  
“Oh, no,” Pippin grinned. “That was all down to me.  I thought of that all on my own.”  
  
“You did?” Frodo asked.  
  
Pippin nodded.  “I thought Merry’s bugs might get hungry waitin for Cousin Bilbo to find them since you told Merry that when Bilbo is here at his desk he doesn’t notice anything at all, Frodo.  I didn’t want Merry’s bugs to starve before Bilbo found them.”  
  
Bilbo looked over at Frodo curiously.  
  
“I may have said that you become very involved in your work when you are in here,” Frodo said.  “I certainly didn’t suggested that Merry put bugs into your desk drawer.”  
  
“No, that was Merry’s idea.  He’s clever that way,” Pippin said still smiling broadly.  “Merry said it was a spearmint.”  
  
“A what?” Sam couldn’t resist asking.  
  
“A spearmint,” Pippin said.  “You know.  It’s when you do something to see what happens?”  
  
“I believe he means, an experiment,” Bilbo said.  
  
“That’s it!” Pippin said.  “These bugs are Merry’s spearmint!  He was trying to see how long it took you to find them on account of Frodo saying that you wouldn’t notice an Oliphant if it bit you on the bum while you were writing.”  
  
Frodo blushed and looked at his feet.  “I only meant that sometimes you become very involved in your work, Uncle.”  
  
“But Merry proved that you would see the Oliphant!” Pippin grinned.  “You found Merry’s bugs and they’re tiny.  An Oliphant is huge, so I know you’d see that too!”    
  
“Yes, thank you, Pippin,” Bilbo sighed.    
  
“Oh, I didn’t do much.  I just fed the bugs so it would give you time to find them before they all starved.  Merry thought up the rest of the spearmint.  And really it was Frodo that gave him the idea of it with that Oliphant story,” Pippin summarized.  “Then some nice someone made biscuits for the bugs and it all came together!”  
  
“That would have been Daisy,” Sam noted.  “Did you and Mr. Merry take the biscuits?”  
  
Pippin suddenly looked very nervous.  “If we did, is that bad?”  
  
“Accordin to Daisy, them biscuits was for Mr. Frodo’s lass,” Sam said.  
  
“But I don’t have-”  
  
Pippin bit his lower lip and looked at Frodo.  “You have a lass?  Is she pretty?”  
  
“No, Pippin I don’t-”  
  
“Oh, well some of them aren’t pretty.  It’s all right if your lass isn’t pretty as long as you like her.  That’s what my Da says.  He says that even if a lass is as ugly as mud, she might still be a good cook and a fine person on the inside.  I think if the lass is better-looking on the inside then there should be a way to turn that part to the outside so people can know about it, don’t you, Bilbo?  It would be easier. Cousin Lobelia is probably loads better on the inside than she is on the side we have to look at.”  
  
“Sadly, I don’t think that would work with Lobelia,” Bilbo sighed.  “I suspect that what is on the inside is even more regrettable than what you have to look at.”  
  
“Oh,” Pippin said.  “Well, it might work with the ugly lass that Frodo likes though.”  
  
“I do not-”  
  
“I’m sorry, Frodo,” Pippin said.  “I won’t say she’s ugly anymore.  Da says that’s rude.  You can’t tell people they are ugly even if they are.  It hurts their feelings.  If you bring your lass over here, I promise not to tell her how ugly she is.”  He paused and frowned.  “How ugly is she?”  
  
“I do not have a lass!” Frodo exploded.  “Ugly or otherwise.  I am not courting anyone at all.  I don’t know where Daisy got that idea.”  
  
“She heard you spoutin that love poetry in the parlour and she thought you were practicing up on what to say to your lass,” Sam said.  
  
“What love poetry?” Frodo asked.  
  
“Merry knows a poem,” Pippin broke in.  “Only one, close to none, then something about how three is a few but I forget that part.  I could get Merry and he could say it for you.  It has lots of rhymingness to it.”  
  
“Yes, get Merry,” Bilbo smiled.  “He should be pleased to find out how his experiment went.”  
  
“I don’t think so,” Pippin frowned.  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“He said if it took you a long time then he’d be home and it would still be going on,” Pippin said.  “I think he hoped it would be a long spearmint.”  
  
“I suspect that he did,” Bilbo smiled.  “Just go and get him and bring him here.  He should know exactly how his experiment played out even if the results were not the ones he’d hoped for.  And Pippin?”  
  
“Yes, sir?”  
  
“Let’s surprise him, shall we?  Don’t tell him why I want him, just tell him that I need to see him,” Bilbo smiled.  
  
“All right, Cousin Bilbo. I like surprises,” Pippin said hurrying off.  
  
“Sam, please tell Daisy that I do not have a lass at this time but that I thank her very much for her thoughtfulness and if I should have occasion to-”  
  
“There’s more of these biscuits in the parlour!  Can I have some or are these ones here for Frodo‘s ugly lass?”  Pippin called out from the other room.  
  
“Find Merry first,” Bilbo called out.  
  
“I am not courting an ugly lass!” Frodo shouted.  
  
“Then, why was you reading poetry to yourself like that, Mr. Frodo?” Sam asked.  
  
“I like poetry,” Frodo said curtly.  “I like the way it sounds when read aloud.  I like listening to the flow of the words.  Poetry is better if it is read aloud.”  
  
“Beggin your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but Daisy said that the poem you was reciting’ wasn’t all that pretty,” Sam said.  
  
“No?” Frodo asked looking slightly more annoyed.  
  
“Well, she said it was hard to understand and that it was a bit dull.  She thought you’re lass might not enjoy it too much and that’s why she made them biscuits.  She thought the biscuits were a plainer sign of your love what with them bein heart-shaped and all.”  
  
“So, not only is my ficticious true love ugly, but she’s rather dull-witted as well?” Frodo asked.  
  
“Oh, no, sir,” Sam said quickly.  “Daisy is as sharp as a hound’s tooth and even she couldn’t figure out that poem.  Your lass is likely very clever.  I think it’s just a poor choice of poems if you take my meaning.”  
  
Bilbo hid a grin behind his hand and Frodo scowled openly.  As Merry and Pippin entered the study, Frodo said, “First of all, when and if I decide to court a lass, she will be intelligent enough to like poetry and she will also enjoying hearing it read aloud.  She will enjoy the poems that I enjoy because when one selects a lass to court, one likes to be certain that the lass enjoys the same things that he does.  It’s easier that way.  And secondly, when I find a lass that I feel I might like to court, she will not be ugly!”  
  
“What’s wrong with him?” Merry whispered to Pippin as Frodo brushed past them muttering to himself.  
  
“He’s got an ugly lass that likes him and we ate her biscuits so I think he’s afraid she might not like him now,” Pippin said too loudly.  
  
“Oh, well, we did him a favour then, Pip,” Merry said lightly.  
  
“We did?”  
  
“Yes, we saved him from a life with an ugly lass and worse still, ugly children,” Merry said.  “Remember, Pip, if you marry an ugly lass, you get ugly children.  That’s nature.”  
  
“I don’t want children,” Pippin said.  “I’m too young for them.  They bother me.  It’s why I like you best, Merry.  You’re not children.”  
  
Bilbo cleared his throat.  “You are also not very adept at experimentation, my lad.”  
  
“You found the bugs?” Merry asked nervously.  
  
“If they had been an Oliphant, they would have been stopped dead in their tracks by my quick powers of observation,” Bilbo said.  
  
“I’ll just go see if I can help Daisy in the kitchen,” Sam said hurrying out of the room.  
  
“Tell her to make lots of those heart biscuits,” Pippin suggested.    
  
“I’ll mention it,” Sam said as he left.  
  
“Now, Meriadoc, about your experimentation,” Bilbo began.  
  
“Cousin Bilbo?” Pippin interrupted.  
  
“Yes, Pippin?”  
  
“Those heart biscuits really work.  I think I may be in love with Daisy.  Do you think she’ll wait for me till I’m old enough to have a lass and say poetry and all?”

 

 

GW          02-14-2012


End file.
